For a while there were vitamin commercials on television. I’m not talking about women and the recommended prenatal vitamins, I’m talking about multi vitamins. I don’t see them anymore. Ironically, we’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour to make up for lost time. That reminds me of a joke.

Knock Knock.

Who?s there?

Vitamin.

Vitamin who?

Vitamin for a party!

You see folks on a treadmill from time to time on television. A scene with a character exercising isn’t nearly as interesting or amusing as a chase scene. Have you ever noticed these things?
• If the person you are chasing has just taken the elevator down from the 20th floor, you will be able to get to the street quicker than he can by running down the stairs.
• If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.
• A person being pursued will always stop and throw something at the person chasing them - even though it takes three times longer to stop and throw the obstacles than it does for the person chasing to jump over them

• One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
• Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
• If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

While watching a movie recently, I couldn’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.

“Excuse me,” I said, “I can’t hear.”

“I should hope not,” she replied sharply. “This is a private conversation.”

Considering the privacy they wanted it’s a safe guess that the women weren’t discussing college student loans.

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.

“Sir,” the usher said, “if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

“All right, buddy. What’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?” the cop asked.

“The balcony.”

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.”

“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now..”

Here are the top ten reasons why the television is better than the web.

10. It doesn’t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to “Melrose Place” and got a “Error 404″ message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV–even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an “Under Construction” sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can’t find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don’t beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can’t surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

1. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
2. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
3. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
4. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
5. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
6. When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
7. Rather than wasting bullets, Megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.

“Get up dear,” she said, “it’s 20 to seven.”

He awoke with a start and said, “In who’s favor?”

Hello! Sorry, I can’t come take your call right now. ALL MY CHILDREN are YOUNG AND RESTLESS, so I have to SEARCH FOR TOMORROW and today to find them.

I am praying that the GUIDING LIGHT will remind them that the DAYS OF OUR LIVES are growing short. They will wind up in GENERAL HOSPITAL with only ONE LIFE TO LIVE, even if I do think they are BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL, if they’re not careful.

And if they don’t straighten up, as sure AS THE WORLD TURNS, I’m going to put them in ANOTHER WORLD!

So leave a message at the beep, and I will call you as soon as I get back from PORT CHARLES.